Thursday, October 14, 2010

Home and Garden Channel Presents: The Katherine Heigl of T.V. promos.

I really truly make an honest effort not to get all condescending when I think about or discuss reality T.V.. I try to look at programs like "Rock of Love" through the same lens I think about WWE wrestling through. Its something I'm not into, but I think its silly to try and judge someone's escapism. If something exists purely for entertainment that how is watching the Situation on "Dancing with the Stars" any more worthy of judgment that me watching just the opening The Living Daylights for the third time in a row.

That said, the ads for HGTV's "Property Virgins" are idiotic, and if this show is half as badly written as these ads, I severely judge everyone who watches it.

Actually. It wouldn't be possible for this show to be anywhere near as bad as these ads. The problem with these ads, in addition to the obviously problem of them being brain meltingly idiotic, is that they are so obviously scripted and the punchline is o telegraphed that they act as some kind of anti-advertising, causing everyone who sees them to not only not want to watch this show, but to give them a strong desire to avoid Home & Garden Television as a whole, just to prevent themselves from possibly having the misfortune of seeing one of these ads during a commercial break on the channel.

Really dumb obvious dirty jokes can be funny, and some of my favorite movies prove that they can be get even funnier was stretched out for way to long. The problem with this ad, is that there is no frame of reference for the viewer. Its and ad for the Home & Garden Channel, so we know the couples talking to the camera aren't talking about sex. And the script for what they are saying is only witty in terms of it being phrases which could vaguely describe both sex and buying a house.

Since we know they are not talking about sex, and the dialog itself is boring and not at all compelling, all the viewer can be expected to do is to wait, bored, until the big reveal 25 seconds into the ad.

To determine which ad is best in the Super Bowl, USA Today does a yearly poll where they use devices to measure the second by second reaction to an ad by the subjects of the test.* I think picturing a viewers second by second response is a great way to explain way this ad is terrible. The viewer might click positive once on this ad, early on when it becomes clear the couples are all saying things that sound dirty but must not be.

Not only is this ad stupid but its not even vaguely original. I'm sure there are numerous other ads it is ripping off, not to mention the countless jokes enjoyed by middle schoolers it outright plagiarizes from, but what first jumped out at me was that is was almost exactly the same format and set up as a 1998 ad.

I was gonna post that ad here, but I can't find it. Which is okay, since my whole point was going to be that it is just as bad as this HGTV ad, and also pretty much the same ad. The ad consisted of  cuts between different women bed, all with their romantic partner screaming and raving and carrying on about how "its getting smaller!" "I've never seen it go this low before" and then the big reveal was that it wasn't all footage of women yelling about their man's tiny dick, but actually women in bet looking a computer under the covers where they were excited about the contantly lowering prices at I was 13 when this ad came out and even at that age thought it was stupid and juvinille. So who was this ad aimed at? People younger than I was wouldn't have been buying shit off the internet and people older than me who found something that dumb funny would be to dumb to understand who to purchase something off the internet in 1998. (To which you might reply: But danny every idiot uses the internet. But bear in mind this was back in 1998 when you would still regularly Television News reports speaking with hushed tones about a recent crime that was carried out using the internet, and how the internet was going to murder your childern.**)

Then there was some feeble joke about the O in being a "Big O."  Which or course begs the question: Does anyone outside of a TV sitcom say Big O to describe an orgasm. To whom are you describing your intimate moments to that you are simultaneously worried will be afraid of your potty mouth if you say the word "Orgasm."

As someone who loves dick jokes and dumb humor, it pained me to see them treated so poorly. To make up for making you  have to think about these two dumber-than-a-bag-of-hammers commercials. I will end this post with something that is stupid and sophomoric which goes on way to long also funny as hell. By which of course I mean. I clip from Jackass. I was trying to find the Urban Kayaking clip, but I couldn't find  in an embeddable video, but instead I have a clip that even better demonstrates dumb jokes down awesomely. I leave you with, the Robot mime fight from Eurotrip.***


*This system is obviously flawed because: 1, it uses way to small a sample size to reveal anything, and 2 the system used ends up giving higher scores mediocre 60 second ads over good 30 seconds ads, but I'll save that rant for January.
**Obviously these types of TV News reports still exist, but at this point they are only reported on by Glenn Beck and only believed by your Grandma's bridge club.
***Voted the finest film of 2004 by the National Society of Film Critics Who are Me.

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