George Fucking Parros

George Parros: No helmet can contain his mane.

I'll be the first to admit this post doesn't have a damn thing to do with advertising. In the past when I've wanted to talk about the other things I read too much about such as hockey or cars  or movies, I've been able to tie it into a commercial.

That's not the case this time. I could try to justify this post as being some kind of extension of Tough Guy Month-(remember Tough Guy Month on this blog? That was rad. I should think of a theme for month of May. Comment with any suggestions. Maybe Booze month, folks seem to like it when I talk about booze ads here, and I know I like to write those articles. Anyway, I should probably get this paragraph back on track)-but the truth is I just think George Parros is fucking awesome and with the Stanley Cup Playoffs upon us, I wanted to mention the reasons for my opinion.

I started following the Anaheim Ducks because I thought it was so cool that Scott Niedermayer requested to be traded to the Ducks when they sucked and still dressed like cartoon characters, (away from 3 time cup winners the Jersey Devils) because as great as it was for him to win the Cup, he wanted to win it with his younger brother as a teammate before he retired.*

Now that Niedermayer has retired, my favorite player on the 2011 Ducks is easily George Parros. Feel free to argue this in the comments section, but I would probably rank Parros as tied with Duncan Keith for most all-around hardcore badass in the current NHL.

Parros is supposedly a forward, but he had as many assists in the 2009-2010 NHL season as I personally did, but that doesn't matter because that is not his job. His job is to punch things, he regularly leads the Ducks in penalty minutes and fighting majors.

Parros is pretty much a real life "Chuck Norris facts".  He has racked 694 career penalty minutes in 289 games. He only cuts his hair once a year, and gives all the hair from his yearly haircut to charity. He mustache is so famous that he sells official George Parros fake mustaches at the Ducks' shop at the Honda center, and gives the profits to charity. The mustaches are quite popular:

I would like to note this is an real, un-doctored picture of Snoop Dogg wearing a Parros fake mustache over his real mustache.

Parros is very active with charitable causes when he is not punching things. You can buy clothing which supports these charities from his website, which is of course called 'Stache Gear. A name which is extremely appropriate for Mr. Parros, but which would be even more appropriate for a website that sells Tom Selleck** themed clothing.

I am not looking up which charity Parros works with so that I can continue to assume it is one that aims to stop world hunger by punching things. One of the things you can buy on this site to help Parros smash the world's problems in the jaw is this awesome shirt:

Its a bit hard to see in the image StacheGear.com provides, but this is a stylized print of a photo of Parros punching someone in the face. The image they went with is probably not my all time favorite picture of Parros punching someone, but it is so hard to decide what photo is, every punch he throws is its own unique snow flake.

This shirt is currently completely sold out on Parros's site, and once it gets reprinted, he can probably sell enough to find the cure for whatever his charity is working towards, because honestly, who doesn't want to have the back of your shirt feature Parros mid-punch. When they get back in stock I am going to ask everyone I know to buy me one for my birthday so I can always have a clean Parros Punch Shirt to wear at all times. (For another fantastic picture of Parros at his day job, scroll down slightly.)

Yeah Parros is getting punched at the particular second this photo is being snapped. But you can see from where his hand is and the face the guy on the Flyers is making that the Flyer just got finished being punched in the face by Parros. Also I love the sweat and grittiness of this shot. The blurs on the left side add to this feel. Also awesome: the ref watching passively from the corner of the frame, like a Roman Emperor witnessing a gladiator battle. (This caption was too long, (and sort of pretentious now that i re-read it.))

So I like Parros because he is a great enforcer and by all accounts nicest guy ever off the ice. But I just found out today he is was recently ranked the fourth smartest pro athlete in North America by the Sporting News.

This article is already becoming way too much of a Parros fan zine, so I won't go into the any details on Parros' genius-ness, but you can read more about Parros being both harder and smarter than you on in Sporting News's terribly formatted article.

Footnote(s)
*Scott's younger brother is Rob Niedermayer. Rob has had a shitty last couple of years, getting traded around the league and playing 3 games this season with his (admittedly complicated) name misspelled on his own jersey.  But hopefully things are on the upswing for him. Rob currently is gearing up for a leadership role with the Buffalo Sabres for their playoff run. He is the only member of the team to have already won a Stanley Cup, and the Sabres are hoping he can provide a level head and insight for a city which has never had a championship season for either of its major league sports teams. (Though the Buffalo Bills do have the dubious distinction of being the NFL team to loose the most Superbowls in the 1990's. (I say this as a fan.))

**Selleck had one of my favorite skits as part of Conan O'Brien's long running bit "Celebrity Secrets."  I can't find Selleck's skit anywhere on the internet, so you can consider this transcript of Selleck's dialogue from this Conan bit from 10 years an StrictlyCommercials exclusive.

Most blogs try to get exclusives where they are the first to know about things. I prefer to have exclusive content by being the last to remember the details about something stupid. Here is a different one of Conan's "Celebrity Secrets" sketches so you can see the format. Then join me after the video for the dialogue from Selleck's skit.



Selleck's take on this went as follows:

Tom Selleck: When I received the script to the film Three Men and a Little Lady I signed up for the film immediately. For one reason: I never learned how to read.

Here are few more bonus clips of that skit from Conan, because it makes me entirely too happy:

Patrick Stewart:

(There was a video of Patrick Stewart here, but I couldn't find a version that wouldn't autoplay as soon as you arrived at my website. This was confusing and annoying, So I've taken it out. However, I still think it is a funny video, so when you are ready to watch it and have it auto play CLICK THESE WORDS RIGHT HERE and you will go to the site I found it on.)

I missed you while you are on that other site. Promise you will never leave again?

I have no idea what language those captions at the bottom are in, but they kind of fit the basement setting. It makes it look like Stewart was interrogated by the Soviets and then his responses were translated for the Stasi. Or since the number of umlauts and vowels in the captions make them look much more like some kind of parody of a Scandinavian language instead of German, perhaps the captions are written specifically for the Swedish Chef.

John Tesh:



I love the "T.E.S.H." acronym joke. It didn't get a big laugh from the audience, but I still remember that joke from when I first saw that sketch eight or so odd years ago. Maybe all that proves is that I have terrible taste in humor. This blog would be evidence towards that.